SO I’M JUST SUPPOSED TO SETTLE?

Today, I’m going straight to the point. It irks me when I hear people say things like “Let her continue rejecting all the guys. Shebi when she’s 35, we’ll see her at Shiloh.” Or “You can’t reply dms abi? Don’t worry when you’re old and ugly, you’ll come and start praying for husband.”

I’m tired of these Shiloh and “strong woman” jokes. You can’t say anything about your standards or ignore a guy you’re not interested in without someone telling you that you’ll be at Shiloh later praying for husband. Like what’s the correlation please? I said I don’t like you. You don’t meet my standards. Your texts are corny. Take your L and go in peace.

It’s like they think ladies are not allowed to have or set standards for men they want in their lives. Or that marriage is the ultimate goal in life.

I have seen so many people talk and tweet like this and I brought some of these tweets and responses to innocent ladies’ tweets here so you can see for yourself. See how some people think. Just have a look.

I normally try to enlighten these kinds of people when I can but I mostly just ignore. However, the most recent thing I saw on this matter just got me really disturbed and I had to make this post.

Sola (not her real name) made a thread “advising” young ladies to settle down and stop jumping from one man to another. This is not a bad thing in itself. Honestly I think the main point she was trying to pass across made sense but I just had a lot problems with the things she said while trying times pass it across and the examples that she used. She was making sense until within this “advice”, she found a way to say

  • Don’t choose career over finding a man. Man comes first.
  • Once a woman hits 30, her body starts deteriorating.
  • If a woman is not married by 35, she is now an old cargo.
  • Women don’t really want equal rights as men.
  • You need to TOLERATE men in dating relationships instead of breaking up when issues arise.

I can’t put the whole thread here but let me just quote some tweets from the thread and some statements she made in her exact words. Statements like:

  • “You cannot learn how to tolerate a man”
  • “At this age feminism dey shack you well”
  • “Do we female really want equal rights as the male?”
  • “At 40, a guy is still young but a lady of 35 is more like a “Christian mother” What is my point? Make haste while the sun shines to avoid had I known.”
  • “At this point of your life, only men of older age like 40 – 45 will come to marry you because young guys of 30 – 35 won’t like to marry a lady of 35 – 38 but unfortunately, those guys of 40 – 45 must have all married. They even married girls of 22 – 27.”

Okay I’m done. I can’t even take anymore.
With statements like “Feminism is shacking you” or “Do you really want equal RIGHTS as men?” I don’t even think this person knows the meaning of rights. See ehn I’m not here to talk about feminism today. Let me just continue.
So Sola feels that when women are young and beautiful with perky breast and spotless face (specifically below 25) is the time that guys chase them the most but some ladies ignore these guys and focus on career. Some break up once they sense any issues while some just while away time with different guys. Now when they are 35 with more wrinkles and less perky breasts, the guys begin to fade away. This means, you better settle with someone before your perky breasts and fine face goes away. Hell oh hell.

I just have so many questions. What if I don’t like you? What if I don’t plan to get married? What kind of mentality does a person have to make such statements? When did marriage become the ultimate goal in life? Can’t I have preferences concerning what I want in a man? If I don’t find someone I like, am I supposed to just settle? If I settle with someone I don’t want and we have a bad marriage, is it better than no marriage at all?
I’ll just address some things and leave the rest to you guys.
Jumping from one man to the other has nothing to do with age and marriage. There are older and married women who are the biggest ‘jumpers’ from one man to the other. Nothing has anything to do with age and marriage except maybe childbearing which technology has created many alternative solutions for.
Also, can people just allow women live their lives? If she chooses to focus on her career rather than men then it’s her choice. If I choose to ignore a guy, then it means I don’t like him. You don’t expect me to marry somebody I don’t like just because I’m scared my perky breasts time will pass. As a matter of fact, don’t let anybody pressure you into that. You’ll be the one in the marriage not them.
Another thing I really don’t agree with is ‘tolerating’ a man. You shouldn’t just say that without emphasizing that they’re are some things you should NEVER tolerate. There are some non-negotiables that you need to stand by. You can’t settle in a violent relationship just because you’re scared you won’t find another man. You can’t settle in a relationship with someone that does not know God just so you won’t be alone forever. Stand by your non-negotiables. If it is a negotiable thing for you, then you can go ahead but I don’t think women should be out there lowering their standards just to get a man.
Then, this issue of feminism. I don’t know why being a feminist should stop a man from marrying you. If he cannot acknowledge and respect you as a person first, before even thinking about gender, then you should not even be getting married to such a person – somebody that does not think women and men should have equal rights and privileges, somebody that thinks it’s okay for you to do the same job with a man but he gets paid more at the end of the day simply because he is a man. Cut it!
I’m laughing so hard at “women become old cargos by 35” because I don’t even know where to begin the lecture. I have so many examples of ladies even in their 40s rocking it big. Plus, who says my goal in life is to find husband? If I don’t find a man I like well enough to build with so what? I’m just supposed to settle?
See I’m just going to leave it to you guys. Do you think Sola is right? Or what do you think about this whole thing generally? Is there place or an age for just settling with whatever you find? Or do I wait till I find what I’m looking for? I just have so many questions. Let me know what you think in the comments sections. Waiting on it.
Much love,
Your tiny eyed storyteller.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “SO I’M JUST SUPPOSED TO SETTLE?

  1. I thought I was the only one getting irritated by these things. Like! Men are not and should not be any woman’s priority. It’s not our purpose either, it’s not why we were created. Sigh… It saddens me when women put men on such a high pedestal in their lives, I hope people like this are enlightened in some way or the other. This post was awesome to read. You go girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. olaoluwadavid

    Wonderful write up. Am of the opinion that we all have qualities we look for in people, be it guys or ladies and when i see a person who has 6,7 or 8 out of 10 in a person i want to make such a person a friend, for the ladies i think its quite simple, when you see a guy who has some of the qualities you want in a guy snap him up, obviously he won’t have all but you can inculcate the rest in him. Its high time we stop saying independent, strong willed, focused ladies are feminist, they are the best type of ladies to make as friends because they don’t just sit for things to happen they make things happen.

    Like

  3. Ololade

    It’s baffling when u realize that society has made these things a norm. Worst part is this same society continuously imprints into the head of many, if not all of the female gender. It almost like women are not allowed to think or act the way we want to but according to how society wants us to.

    And frankly, I get mad at this ALL the time.

    Like u, Tomi, I’ve learnt to let them think what they want and sometimes I try to get their head of that stupid mentality.
    We can only do well to make sure we do not let that dictate our lives and allow such spread to d coming generation

    Anyway, beautiful write-up, baby ♥

    Like

  4. For whatever reason, we can’t go through those options because it’s a cultural thing to bring forth your seed lol, adoption shouldn’t be considered. I remember this case where a married couple didn’t have kids, years later the husband impregnated another woman. People judged it was ok for the man to do that he had waited and obviously he wasn’t the probem. But if the man had been the problem the woman would have been crucified for doing the same. No one suggested they could have adopted a kid together instead of getting a new wife. Society has always been unfair to women and oddly our own parents won’t even support our choices. Keep your standards, society won’t be there to witness the consequences or abuse years later.

    Like

  5. Let’s talk about the older generation, the reason why people like sola exists. I see long fights with my parents in future because what they want is for me to be married asap and i believe i have a lot to achieve career wise before marriage, i want financial indeoendence too, things men consider before going into martiage. Why am i not allowed to put that first as a woman. Why should be the height of all my achievements. It seems no matter what you achieve as a woman it counts as nothing unless you are married i don’t mind when my parents have this expectations they belong another generation but when people in this same generation say things like this it irritates me. The issue of your timeline for giving birth counts no more, as you said technology has made it easier. But for whatever reasin

    Like

    1. You’re so spot on. These are all the thoughts on my mind too. I just think about these things and realize that we still have along way to go in this generation when it comes to enlightenment.

      Thanks for your input love.

      Like

  6. Blossom

    So I saw this thread earlier today and I was so riled up. For one, I’m tired of all these people that think being a feminist is something that is bad. I had to comment on the thread. I was too pained. She had a good message but the execution of sending the message across, zero. Your post hits the nail right on the head. Thank you

    Like

  7. Hi tomi love. Nice write up once again. I saw the thread on twitter and though I don’t agree with everything she said, I feel she just meant that your 20s period is not a time to be fooling around from one guy to the other. No one is perfect and you’ll never really find a perfect man but that doesn’t mean you should settle for the bad relationships you go into. She meant that you should be able to exercise patience in relationships and not dump guys just cause other guys are after you. Yeah she said stuff like perky boobs and ass but when a lady jumps from one man to another and has sex with most if not all, the breasts become less perky. It’s the truth. So I feel like a lot of people misunderstood what she was trying to say. I won’t advice anyone to stay in a relationship they don’t feel comfortable with. But then if you feel like you love the person, and the person is not violent (very important) or having toxic traits, try harder and stay and build the relationship. Our parents fight but they are together today. If our moms just up and left at every provocation, where would we be? I’m not saying anyone should settle for anything they believe is not their standard, whether career or relationship, but bear In mind that sometimes what we settle for, or should i say manage, usually brings us exactly what we want. The great people of today didn’t wake up into the positions they are. They worked for it and had to manage where they were at one point in time because they knew a greater tomorrow was on its way. If they had just quit, we probably wouldn’t have known them. Sorry for the long comment, i really didn’t plan it.
    Love you forever tomilola!!!♥♥♥

    Like

    1. You are right dear. That’s why I said the main point she was trying to pass across was not bad in itself. My problem was the things she said in passing it across and the kind of examples that she used. They can bet very misleading because not everyone can sift the sensible from the senseless like you did.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s